April 30th 2010 - Loss

My Mom
May 21 - April 30, 1987

We all have them. Those days that are embedded in our heart, and that change us completely. Today is that day for me. April 30th, 1987. I was a young girl when my best friend died. My Mom. If anything motivates me, it's the stacks of pictures and stories I haven't got. It's the stories behind many of the pictures that I can no longer get. It's the pieces of memories I can't get and she can no longer pass on to me and to my son. Each year, as April 30th comes by, I alternately dread it, and welcome it. I dread it for the obvious play of emotions that hit me. I welcome it because it is a connection with her. The only one I can have anymore. Oh.. other than my wedding day. I was married on May 21st because that is her birthday. I felt like it was a way to honour her, and to have her with me that day. I look for ways to have her with me. Two quotes come to mind:

"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love."

by Baronne Anne Louside Germaine Necker de Stal Stal.

and the other one is:

"I answer the heroic question 'death, where is thy sting' with 'It is here in my heart and mind and memories.'"

by Maya Angelou

April 30th is still such a hard day for me, and yet, here I am... a married Mother, many many years later. You move forward, but part of you remains. At least ... part of me remained.

My Mom was Katherine (Kit) MacKenzie McCarthy. She was such an amazing woman. Lived for her children. Loved her children more than life itself. She lived for her grandchildren, though she passed away before some were even born... including my own child. She was spiritual and kind and intensely sweet and ladylike. Where DID I come from??? And she had no idea about the internet, but she would have loved it!

Mom... meet my friends!