Monday, February 14, 2011

Letting Go

A Difficult Day!

Today, my baby... my  little Bean... my sweet little angel eyes... Dana Joseph Maximillian... is doing something that scares me silly.  Parenthood doesn't get easier as they grow up.

I remember when he was living inside me.  I'd had several miscarriages, and the doctor said "Don't tell anyone!  You may not hold onto this pregnancy."  My other doctor then said --and only after several months -- "Sandie.. you are seven months along now.  This baby can live no matter what now!" Whew. Good times. Once we got through the fear and the pain, the next years were nothing but joy.  They were the best of times. They were everything we wanted, and more.  This baby was definitely worth it! Now, this *baby* is 18 years old. EIGHTEEN!  But still... he remains MY baby. My one and only child. He commutes to Toronto each day, for school.  He's going to be a television journalist. But today? He's not coming home. He's heading into Toronto by train, and then he's taking his girl to see Bon Jovi, after school, and they are just staying overnight in Toronto, so that they can just head into school from there. (she commutes to another Toronto school)
Going to a rock concert at night, in downtown Toronto, and then making your way to your hotel?  Gone are the days when I can take care of him by keeping him close.  Now I have to take care of him by letting him go. 
That's so much harder.

 I spent the first years of my marriage trying and waiting to get pregnant.  
Each month felt like a year.  Each loss, like the end of the world. A renewed loss, a guilt and a shame.
Then I spent the first months of my pregnancy waiting until the baby could live outside of me.  
Each month, again... felt like forever.  Please let me keep this baby.
Then I spent the first months of his life, waiting for him to grow stronger and older. 
He kept asphyxiating in his sleep. Very quietly.  We found him almost blue more than once.
The doctor said it was time to order a SIDS monitor for him. 
So he could no longer sleep away from us.  Terrifying.  
We waited for the threat of SIDS to pass.
Waiting - Waiting - waiting...
He was SO worth the wait. This great love of ours. Our one and only.
To us.. my Love, my husband Gary, and I...
Valentines Day is as much about Dana, as it is about us.
We have our Great Love, which has provided us with Our Great Love.
And letting that great love go... so that he can soar, and begin his life, and search for
his own great love story!
That's the joy and the fun of it.
But it's still Letting Go.
Like all of the fear and the waiting... it's worth it.
But it's hard.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!!!!


Pamela said...

Oh man...I don't look forward to the "letting go" days...I just want my kids to stay my babies forever. :) Actually, I do look forward to seeing the men they become. But I am a worrier. Always have been.

Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Bella said...

I think this is such a sweet post! Thank you for sharing! And it sounds like you've raised a great kids!!

Happy Love Day to You!

Keshet said...

What a beautiful post--this must be so hard!